@nathanu Well this was awesomely amusing!  Great trip report.  I am not a hammock camper and have resisted all pressure to become one, but I still read posts like this to see what I might be missing.  Also, I work with campers all the time who have either made the switch or are part-hammock-timers, and it helps to know the challenges (rewards?) they face in doing so.  Thanks so much!

At REI, we believe time outside is fundamental to a life well lived.