{"id":64993,"date":"2019-06-27T12:08:26","date_gmt":"2019-06-27T19:08:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rei.com\/blog\/?p=64993"},"modified":"2020-05-22T12:57:11","modified_gmt":"2020-05-22T19:57:11","slug":"ayesha-mcgowans-inner-struggle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rei.com\/blog\/cycle\/ayesha-mcgowans-inner-struggle","title":{"rendered":"Ayesha McGowan Is Having Her Best Season Yet"},"content":{"rendered":"<span class=\"cb-itemprop\" itemprop=\"reviewBody\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On the first day of 2015, Ayesha McGowan published a to-do list on her blog, \u201c<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.aquickbrownfox.com\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A Quick Brown Fox<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d On her <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.aquickbrownfox.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/28\/oh-hai-there-2015\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">list<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Get more women\/women of color on bikes<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Upgrade to Category 2<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finish Top 5 in any given Track Crit<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Win another State Championship<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Race in a state I\u2019ve never been to before<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Spend more time with my family<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Get married<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Be Awesome<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The years since have been busy, and McGowan\u2019s determination\u2014what she calls<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.aquickbrownfox.com\/blog\/2018\/12\/8\/i-was-in-a-slump\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">her strongest asset<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2014continues to push her on and off the bike. She travels across the country with her now-husband, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/BxS6YhcBcXi\/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">William Loyd<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, to<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.road-results.com\/racer\/99241\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">compete<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> in stage races and criteriums with the fastest women cyclists in the country and the world. She races in USA Cycling\u2019s pro category 2, a ranking she achieved by earning enough points in enough races, and which now grants her access to compete in professional races. Going into this season, her goal was to get a top-20 result at a professional stage race. Her therapist suggested she aim higher, for a top 10. Then, in early April, at the Joe Martin Stage Race, an event sanctioned by Union Cyclist Internationale, <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.aquickbrownfox.com\/blog\/2019\/6\/13\/video-joe-martin-stage-race-stage-2-rr\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">McGowan crossed the finish line in 10th place<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. By setting big goals, McGowan opens herself up to new possibilities.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt\u2019s not setting myself up for doubt, because then I\u2019m definitely going to fail,\u201d she says. \u201cBut if I try to win, then I\u2019m going to be pretty good. And even if I don\u2019t win, pretty good is still awesome.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The 32-year-old says she is racing her best season yet. She has also become a leader and advocate for representation and diversity in cycling.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Representation is super important,\u201d says McGowan. \u201cIf you see somebody that you identify with doing something, then you are more likely to see yourself doing that thing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Last year, McGowan appeared on the cover of <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Outside<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> magazine as one of the \u201cnew faces of adventure\u201d with a feature-length profile discussing her goal to be the first African American female professional cyclist. This goal may very well be McGowan\u2019s most encompassing. It\u2019s also one that still remains just out of reach.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI think a lot of people consider me to be a professional cyclist,\u201d says McGowan. \u201cTheoretically, if you go by the definition of someone who gets paid to ride bikes, that\u2019s me. At this point, somehow, I\u2019ve managed to make that happen. But road racing is a team sport and I do not have a team. And so, because of that, I don\u2019t consider myself a pro cyclist.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She continued: \u201cPart of that might just be my imposter syndrome, or part of it might be my own self-criticism. I think about this a lot\u2026I feel like if I\u2019m not 100 percent there, like I\u2019m not 100 percent certain of what it is, then maybe I haven\u2019t done it. And I don\u2019t want to claim I\u2019ve done something and not have done it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">With that, McGowan and I launched into a big discussion about what it means to be a professional cyclist, the barriers to entry, how integrity and dreams might collide, and what she does to focus, stay the course and win.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The following interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><b>Why do you need a team to be a professional cyclist?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are certain races you cannot race by yourself. And so, you have to have a team to do them. There\u2019s a thing called composite teams, which is like a band of teamless people who form a team just for that event. So, I\u2019ve been a part of composite teams and that\u2019s how I was able to do <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.road-results.com\/race\/11067#r99241\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Redlands<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.road-results.com\/race\/11224#r99241\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Joe Martin<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. And I\u2019m going to do the Colorado Classic at the end of August this year, and that will be a composite team, as well.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the States, we have a huge criterium scene, as well. Road racing is gravitating toward that because there is more opportunity. While you have a better chance with a team, you don\u2019t need a team to do a criterium. So I can just register as an individual, show up and race. I do that all the time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are people who consider themselves professional cyclists and all they do are criteriums, and that is hard. Pro criteriums are really challenging \u2026 That\u2019s where I started in New York City, because it was the easiest thing to access.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But for me, I\u2019ve always wanted to do road stage races. We all see racing in Europe and the Tour de France, which is the most popular road stage race. That\u2019s the image I have. Not necessarily the Tour de France\u2014I mean, that would be rad, hopefully they work that out [to allow women to race]. But that type of racing is the kind of racing I\u2019ve always dreamed of doing, since I started.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>So how does one get on a team?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s super frustrating, and that\u2019s not something I say out loud very often. There are some people who are undeniably talented and they get the spot. For other people, they know the right person and they get connected. I feel like I\u2019m somewhere in between. I\u2019m talented, but I\u2019m clearly not the best. I\u2019ve met people and have had opportunities come my way. I\u2019ve had near-misses, where those opportunities were laid at my doorstep, and then were taken away at the 11th hour. That was heartbreaking. It was so close, I could feel it. It felt like a sure thing, but nothing is sure.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Getting on a team means you convince somebody to let you on their team. It\u2019s helpful to be talented, but you don\u2019t necessarily have to be the most talented. It\u2019s helpful to know the right people, but that doesn\u2019t always matter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And then, with me, I\u2019m a very vocal advocate for representation. I feel like, for a lot of people, that feels like a risk. Women\u2019s cycling has their struggles, right? There\u2019s not a lot of money. You\u2019re dependent on sponsors. Someone [who is vocal] can be very challenging for a lot of people and teams. People don\u2019t like controversy. They don\u2019t like being challenged in that way, and so it\u2019s just safer to not deal with that, right?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have this conversation with myself all the time. If it comes down to it, do I choose my integrity or do I choose my dreams? Can I have both? Can they coexist? I don\u2019t know. I literally have to find a team that thinks they can.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_65000\" style=\"width: 2510px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-65000\" class=\"size-full wp-image-65000\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rei.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2019\/06\/VOS-2019-TT-229.jpg?resize=1200%2C960\" alt=\"Ayesha McGowan pedals on her road bike while the landscape blurs in the background\" width=\"1200\" height=\"960\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-65000\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Photo Credit: Jeff Clark<\/p><\/div>\n<p><b>How do you manage your fears and anxieties, so that when you get on the bike, you can focus on the course ahead?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The great thing about bike racing is that it demands all of your focus. Training, if you\u2019re doing it right, demands all of your focus. So maybe there\u2019s an element of escapism to it. When I\u2019m doing this thing, nothing else matters. Nothing else is important. This is all I\u2019m responsible for right now. All I need to do is race my bike in this moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Can you give me a picture of what it looks like for you to prepare for a race?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This year, I have my husband with me all the time, which has been super helpful.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I suffer from depression and anxiety, and so that makes some things really hard. Like yesterday, I raced and just before, I felt really awful. I was having a hard time getting myself together and making sure I had everything I needed. It wasn\u2019t even that I was anxious about the bike race. Once you get there, you\u2019re in it. It\u2019s getting to the starting line that is so challenging sometimes, making sure I have my shoes, my helmet, my kit, just basic stuff.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Day to day training, I have a really amazing coach, Jim Lehman, and that has made a world of difference for me. I think a coaching relationship can be complicated in many ways, because you are putting so much trust in this person. I\u2019m putting my dream in your hands and hoping that you guide me to where I want to go. I get that I have to do the work, but I\u2019m coming to you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>When you\u2019re on your bike, what are some of the tools or tactics that you use to stay strong, go fast and be present?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s been a work in progress. Having confidence in my fitness has been super helpful. Working with this coach and knowing that I have prepared myself physically is such a relief. There was always doubt that I hadn\u2019t done enough, and I don\u2019t have that anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now, I push myself more. I tell myself, \u2018The pack is going, you go too.\u2019 If it doesn\u2019t work out, it doesn\u2019t work out. But I\u2019m strong enough to try.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Any sport, a lot of it is mental. I\u2019m super strong. I\u2019m super tough. I know I can hang out. But now I\u2019m getting to the point where I can be competitive, I can be good and have good results. I just need to give myself the opportunity.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_65009\" style=\"width: 2410px\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-65009\" class=\"size-full wp-image-65009\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rei.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2019\/06\/20190125143628_IMG_1955.jpg?resize=1200%2C800\" alt=\"Ayesha McGowan and her husband pose in a rocky field in front of trees with green sweatshirts and their dog. \" width=\"1200\" height=\"800\" \/><p id=\"caption-attachment-65009\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">McGowan with her husband, William Loyd. (Photo Courtesy: Ayesha McGowan)<\/p><\/div>\n<p><b>You mentioned that you struggle with imposter syndrome. How do you combat that?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The one promise I make to myself is that I keep showing up. There was a period of time where I would talk myself out of showing up and it was a dark time. I don\u2019t think it helps at all. I think it made things infinitely worse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, get to the starting line. Like, maybe you don\u2019t get to the finish, but you tried to, right? Get to the starting line. That is the biggest tool that I\u2019ve had to combatting every single anxiety, depression, imposter, whatever issue that I\u2019ve ever had. If I can get myself to the starting line and get going, usually things get so much better.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>What are some of your new goals?\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I would like to get a couple of top tens under my belt. I\u2019ve done it once and I want to do it again. That\u2019d be a huge confidence builder and it would be good for teams to see that it\u2019s not a fluke. So, just keep pushing myself and racing as hard as I can and not counting myself out.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And speaking my truth is another thing. It\u2019s exhausting to put yourself out there and have people beat you down a little or a lot. And then to have to say it again, because they didn\u2019t get it the first time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I think my goals are to race as hard as I can and don\u2019t be afraid to speak my truth, whatever it is. And also to give myself the space and time to heal, both physically and mentally, whatever that looks like.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span class=\"cb-button cb-white cb-normal cb-none\"><a href=\"\/blog\/cycle\/rei-presents-do-better-together\" target=\"_self\" rel=\"follow\">Watch the Film: Do Better Together<svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" role=\"presentation\"><path d=\"M16 12a.997.997 0 0 0-.288-.702l-5.005-5.005a1 1 0 0 0-1.414 1.414L13.585 12 9.29 16.295a1 1 0 0 0 1.417 1.412l4.98-4.98A.997.997 0 0 0 16 12z\"><\/path><\/svg><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>On the first day of 2015, Ayesha McGowan published a to-do list on her blog, \u201cA Quick Brown Fox.\u201d On her list:\u00a0 Get more women\/women of color on bikes Upgrade to Category 2 Finish Top 5 in any given Track Crit Win another State Championship Race in a state I\u2019ve never been to before Spend [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":26,"featured_media":64999,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[1904,1127,726,727],"internal-tag":[],"class_list":["post-64993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cycle","tag-ayesha-mcgowan","tag-cycling","tag-force-of-nature","tag-latest-posts"],"parsely":{"version":"1.1.0","canonical_url":"https:\/\/rei.com\/blog\/cycle\/ayesha-mcgowans-inner-struggle","smart_links":{"inbound":0,"outbound":0},"traffic_boost_suggestions_count":0,"meta":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@type":"NewsArticle","headline":"Ayesha McGowan Is Having Her Best Season 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